The following Featured Post comes from Relationship Group 7, Thread 22.

1. ok...I'm opening a can of worms....
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - /EST
dacnred

Hi, this is Colleen(dacnred) and I am a plus-sized woman, and I am very attractive. I have a question with the fact that I hear people, of any race, say things about how black men like fat white women and how the fat white women cant get a white man, so they turn to a black man. I was told by a member of my family that, certain members of my family think that is why i married a black man. I have heard this from many people, even before I met my husband......I still hear it, and do not understand it.

I have a feeling I am opening a can of worms with this question, but I have noticed that black men seem to be attracted to me, and "heavy-set" women. I am curious to others experiences and feelings on this point. I hope I dont offend anyone, I always wanted to ask......

2. Not offended...
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 2:14 AM/EST
noreen

Let's try to be honest and open in this group. If the question is sincere, I'm not offended. My hope is that we will have the courage to ask the uncomfortable questions.

I am a physically fit person. I think I am usually attracted to, or have dated, other fit people because they are involved in the same sports and activities I'm involved in. I do have a good friend that I have talks with or see a movie with who weighs 400+ pounds. But he could never do bicycle touring or hiking like I spend my weekends doing.

I've never noticed/heard the stereotype that black men prefer overweight white women.

3. I'm liking this more and more
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 3:35 AM/EST
wayne

I applaud the courage to ask a question you deem borderline. My thoughts on the subjects.

On not knowing about certain issues-America is a divided land culturally and I believe that to be fact(maybe a topic later). You have the majority culture("white") and you also have other cultures including African American culture. All of the other cultures have their own identities but all of their identities must allow them to be able to keep a productive relationship with the majority culture here in America. So as a minority culture you must also be in tune with what the majority is doing. I think that's why sometimes minority group members are more aware of the rumors or more in tune with what the majority does. Quite simply we have to know what the majority does to survive and the majority does not necessarily need to know about the other cultural nuances to survive. This may account for why some people are always in the click.

4. more of same answer
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 3:37 AM/EST
wayne

On the subject of beautiful women- I believe African American culture allows for many different body ideals for women because of its own treatment throughout time. We as Americans are fed this ideal of a petite white woman as the goal or culmination of femininity. Well who shapes this goal?

The same theoretical forces that shaped the false notions of African American culture. I have seen myself portrayed as a black person and it is not an accurate picture. Why should I strive for any other ideal these same corruptors have set forth? If you can be wrong about me you might be wrong about other things. For one I can never be white so there must be another woman, a black woman, that can be ideal. Maybe their weight need not be a factor in their sexuality or femininity just like their color need not be.

I believe this manifests itself in the apparent positive self image young black woman generally have of themselves no matter what their body type. African American culture must teach children at an early age that many different options are available than what is traditional or that we view in the media. This plurality allows for a more broad view of what is acceptable in everything, not just beautiful women.

5. Hi Colleen
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 3:58 PM/EST
mms

In my experience when I first met my now husband I was 19, a size 3 and according to my husband "cute". After 2 kids, 30 years, I am a plus size also. He still considers me cute and my size was never an issue. I think that some "White" people just don't understand what draws you to someone of another culture. I always try to explain it like this, what if we were all born blind, how would you know what color we were. You fall in love with the person.

6. I got the same reaction
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 4:06 PM/EST
marian

Colleen just like you i got the same reaction from my family. I am also a plus size and when i first started chatting with my boyfiend(yes i met him on the internet),i felt complelled to tell him that i was no Tara Banks, he replied to me that he doesnt care about the body that i have been put in but the person i am inside. You see we both found out about each other then we saw what we both looked like...One of his first things he said was "I am black" my reply was "so and I'm white, is that a problem".

We started off as friends and now that we have met and he has met my chidren they also Love him..But to my Mother her thing is Black men beat their woman and they love plus size woman. But to me its not the color of a person but the person inside , and i got to know him from the inside first before meeting the outer core. And as i have said to my family, I am Happy and so are my children..And if that is so that black men love plus size woman, well maybe everyone should give us a chance cause i am not only dealing with the inter-racial thing i am also dealing with "Fat people are lazy and not sexy at all" And Colleen you asked that question before i could and didnt take any offense to it..Thanks

7. Beauty
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 9:35 AM/EST
heather

Colleen,
I applaude your decision to speak honestly. As I read your post I was reminded of a radio talk show I had heard several months ago that hit me in many ways. The show consisted of a white man, a white woman, and a black man. Callers wrote in to ask love advice and the three radio personalities responded on air with advice. This morning the subject was a letter received by a young male who said he & his girlfriend were now engaged. He loved her very much, the problem was that over the years of dating she had placed on quite a bit of weight. The man stated that he was concerned of her size and her weight continueing to increase after marraige.

The white man's response was 'dump her now', the white woman's response was anger that if he loved her why does her size matter. The black man gave a great hearty laugh and said, "All the more to love and hold on to!" His response was so honest and it was obvious he was sincere.

I had always been hung up about my size, at times very unhealthy in my self image and thought that as a woman I must be thin yet curvy to be attractive. I have noticed however that even at my heavy points after having children, it was often Hispanic and African American men that would still see my beauty. It touched me and allowed me to see that I am beautiful regardless of whether I am a size five or a size 12. In Florida while a teenager, I was around far more African American people then I am in Nebraska. The women I saw were self assured, or at least they reflected this it seemed to me. They seemed to have a greater awareness of who they were and a comfort in their body shape and size, their inate beauty, that I saw lacking in my self and the white women I knew. I do not know why..upbringing, support of community...but I do know that seeing the men and women behave in far greater acceptance has influenced me. And for this I am very thankful.

8. Thanks
Tue, Sep 21, 1999 - 1:53 PM/EST
lmh