The following Featured Post comes from Relationship Group 5, Thread 19.

1. Impossible Reconciliation?
Mon, Sep 27, 1999 - 7:33 PM/EST
martina

Some of you have told stories of how families and friends were so hostile towards your interracial relationship that you decided to cut them out of your lives. I have reached this point and am just now realizing how much damage my family's behaviour has caused to our (meaning me and my fiance's) relationship - it may already be too late. With all of you and your experiences out there, I am wondering whether someone would be willing to talk about how your relationship and family was affected when you decided that parents or other family members could not be a part of your life anymore. And once you decided that, did that make any reconciliation impossible? Even if hostile parents changed their minds once they realized what they were missing out on...how much willingness to reconcile can one really expect from someone who has felt such hatred towards him or her...?

2. To Martina
Mon, Sep 27, 1999 - 9:15 PM/EST
maytime

My parents raised me to respect ALL people. However, they did have a big problem with my first husband. They fell into the category of "OK but not my daughter." My dad was from the south and although he taught us not to be racist (which I admire), both he and my mother secretly were. They feared what the neighbors and other family members would think. It was very difficult at first, but I didn't give up. When they saw I was serious, they finally came around to see what I saw in him. They found he was a great person, even very similar to my father in many ways.

They learned not only to accept him, but to love him. My aunts and uncles, however, in the south outright disowned me. I have no contact with them to this day. After a few years, I've heard from cousins stating they don't care if he's purple, as long as I'm happy. We even had a cousins-only reunion not long ago. If you have true love, stand strong. They will have to deal with it. Maybe if they allow themselves to know him and see what it is you love in him, they will come around to acceptance, maybe even love. I wish you all the luck and much happiness to come.

3. Martina, re family
Tue, Sep 28, 1999 - 12:14 PM/EST
madre2

Martina: My husband is Irish American. I am Mexican American. Gratefully, we have not had to experience the pain you are experiencing. My in-laws treat me like gold. If anything, they thank me for finally giving my husband his own family and for loving him. My family accepts him, too. They think we are perfect for each other.

However, I know what it is like to have to come to the realization that you have to cut off ties with certain family members for your own good. I've had to cut ties with one of my sisters for my own peace of mind. It's sad and painful.

It's easy for me to SAY, but I really think you and your fiance should live your own lives and not care what others think -- even if they are family. The storm has just begun. You must make yourself strong and be confident with your life choices in the face of criticism.

All the best -- Madre2

4. To Martina
Wed, Sep 29, 1999 - 3:44 AM/EST
loh263

We can choose our friends, but not our family! What family members are tearing you apart? Parents/siblings or others. I would say for the others who cares what they think. As for parents and siblings, they may come around. But remember this, the only one you truly have to worry about is your fiance, don't let others stupidity ruin your love. Being in an interracial relationship calls for being strong to the outside world, work on yours and his relationship and when others see that you are truly happy, they may come around. I was 18 the first time I got married, but had the attitude that if you didn't like what I was doing then forget you and just made sure my husband knew I loved him. I have learned over the years, I am now 39, that if someone wants to break up my relationships, that they are the one with the problem, not me. Of course my family just knows that black men are my preference and don't trip anymore re:race. Keep strong!

5. to all of you
Wed, Sep 29, 1999 - 6:34 PM/EST
martina

i just would like to thank all of you for your very encouraging messages! Although I don't know you personally, it really helps to know that there are people out there who have gone through similar situations and made it. I am determined not to give in to racial prejudice and hate and will try to do the best I can at that. I really wish there were more public awareness of how intolerant so many people around us are, and especially the bigotry that comes with it. Maytime, as you said (true for my parents as well), it seems like many parents raise their children to be tolerant but there are certain boundaries that they still are not willing to cross.