The following Featured Post comes from 25 & Under Group 3, Thread 19.

1. When your partner hurts you
Mon, Oct 4, 1999 - 2:06 AM/EST
slugbait

I am very much in love with my girlfriend. I know she always means well.

But sometimes, it really hurts when she makes comments such as, "That music is sooooo white! Change it!"

What is that supposed to mean?!? Is it bad because it is by a white artist? If the music is bad, then it's bad. Why does a color have to apply to it? This is just an example of how she associates color with various things that seem to turn her off.

Oh, and sometimes she talks about white women as if they are far less attractive than Afrikan-American women or latinas or whatever. And I think to myself, "My mother's white! My sister's white! I've dated white women! I think they're attractive! What's wrong with them?!? Nothing! Why is she telling me this?!?"

But then again, to her, I'm not *really* white. I'm Italian/Lebanese, etc. But guess what? For all general purposes, at least in the USA -- I'm white! And she's Cape Verdean (Afrikan/Portuguese cultural mix). Yet, she claims to be black (categorically speaking, in the USA).

I don't think she realizes how much it bothers me. I try to talk with her about it but she just doesn't seem to understand the severity of how it makes me feel.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

2. Slugbait...
Mon, Oct 4, 1999 - 12:51 PM/EST
nubianpeach

Slugbait,

I dont have any similar experiences but coming from a therapist view, you need to continue having open communication with her and let her know how you feel in a way that's not threatening.

I can't really relate to what she's saying because I listen to White music and love some of it. Especially, Alanis Morrisette, BackStreet Boys, and Ricky Martin.(although he's Latino) Although, I've heard those statements before, I'm trying to think of someone like that....I knoW..Michael Jackson..Some people consider him a crossover artist but I don't think that makes him any Whiter, just trying to sell records to an audience that knows that he will be supported.

If she continues not to understand, just agree to disagree and move on. She probably is not going to change her views but she can at least give you the respect of not calling the music "so White like",if it really bothers you.

3. Absolutely!
Mon, Oct 4, 1999 - 12:56 PM/EST
proteus

If they actually look into the implied meaning of these things they would see that it's just racism.

If she's using the word "WHITE" as a synonym for "BAD" then she's got problems, and I can't see how she can expect you to put up with that rhetoric! It's racist and I don't think your relationship will last if she doesn't reevaluate her perspective.

I like Led Zeppelin and Soundgarden and some old Sabbath; there have been instances where people have said, "that's WHITE music" which implies, I think, that it's inferior! That's B.S.!

Listen Slugbait, the next time she does something incorrectly or badly..tell her, "That's a BLACK way of doing things..."

It'll piss her off, and explain to her that when she qualifies unpleasant things and experiences as "WHITE" she's out of line.

But you HAVE to confront this problem if you want this relationship to flourish...

4. slugbait
Mon, Oct 4, 1999 - 4:41 PM/EST
sessa

I have had experiences like that. Far too many for my taste. It hurts alot. People say that to me and although I'm Mex/Black American I have white friends whom I love dearly....and I don't appreciate the innuendo!! I agree with you if music is bad, it's bad regardless of the person's color! I don't like Barry Manilow, but I also don't like Smokey Robinson! I think they're horrible! It has nothing to do with color!

One thing that pisses me off is with looks. My cousin is 3/4 black and 1/4 Mexican American. She has this horrible habit of saying.."He's cute for a white guy." or "she's pretty for a big person" or "I'm cool off of white guys" (meaning she'll stick to black ones b/c they look better).

A way that helps resolve that problem, like proteus said, use it back. I have to go directly to her soft spots, but ... When she says it I say something in return. "Yeah, I guess your boyfriend is cute...for a black guy." or "You're pretty for a girl with a big forehead." Even though you have pick out something..it makes the point and it makes them realize that it doesn't feel good to hear things like that.

Try it...hopefully it will work!

5. Slugbait, et.al
Mon, Oct 4, 1999 - 9:12 PM/EST
nubianpeach

You guys, Proteus and Sessa, are trying to fight fire with fire. That's no way to treat his woman. They have to negotiate on these things, not attack each other verbally..black vs. WHite music..

Slugbait, listen OPEN COMMUNICATIOn, if she still doesn't see it, maybe the relationship was not meant to be..but regardless, remember my words, OPEN COMMNUNICATION...

It may work sometimes by throwing it in her face, but I don't think that's the preferred method.

Sessa, I like the one when you said, "you're pretty for a girl with a big forehead." LOL, LOL, LOL

6. Again tonight!
Tue, Oct 5, 1999 - /EST
slugbait

Ok, right, so I'm talking to her on the phone again tonight. And she is saying something about how she had become thinner as of late. She was complaining because she wanted "more curves" back and that she didn't want to look like a "white woman!" Geesh!

Now, she is a very intelligent woman. And she does like to kid around and poke fun a lot. I really don't know what to think of all this. Maybe it *could* be that she's goofing around and is trying to get a rise out of me. Nevertheless, it still kinda hurts.

I've read your (all of you who wrote) comments and advice. I appreciate the support, even if you guys seem to have polar opposite views. I can understand both.

I think I'm going to just openly communicate with her, completely and explicitly -- that usually seems to work. If she blows that off then, well, maybe I'll try the "fire" method.

But I do want you to know that she really is a wonderful and beautiful person. I don't mean to make her sound like such a b!tch, because she really isn't. It's just these few issues . . .

7. so...
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 4:31 PM/EST
sessa

nubianpeach~ I do agree with you, I think it is the better way to do it. It just didn't work with my cousin, so I used the "fire" method!! I guess we use what works right?! I'm actually really fond of my "forehead" one...it's just funny! Anyway just wante dto say why I use that method!

slugbait~ I hope it all works out for you!!!!!! She sounds like a nice lady! Don't worry about how you describe her, we all have our weaknesses, no matter how great we are!!!