The following Featured Post comes from TV Series Group 11, Thread 11.

23. responding
Tue, Oct 5, 1999 - 11:13 PM/EST
bhjb

I agree with several points that hill made. However, I do think that perhaps too much emphasis is being placed on white women's roles in interracial relationships and how it impacts our (black) community. By placing the emphais on not having white women enter into interracial relationships frivolously, because of the negative impact it may or may not have on our (Black) community, is taking away the responsibity from Black men's roles in these relationships. Often times interracial relationships (as others) are entered into by individuals who are not emotionally equipped to handle a mutually enriching relationship.

Yes, there are people who enter into interracial relationships for all of the wrong reasons. For every interracial relationship which is founded on stereotypes, mis-education, etc.; there is an equal number of same-race relationships entered into for those same reasons. The only difference--interracial relationships are under a societal microscope. People are always trying to analyze the "why", the "when is it going to fail", instead of looking at the fact that individuals are complicated and bring a lot of baggage to the relationship that hasn't necessarily been dealt with. My parents have been married for over 30 years, my husband and I have been together for 10 years (married four.) Most interracial couples I come into contact with are couples who did not buy into the stereotypes, mis-education, etc. I'm wondering if age has a part in this? Are individuals of a particular age group more likely to buy into the stereotypes? Does education make a difference? Any thoughts?

24. Response to bhjb
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - /EST
britt

Here's a question: Wouldn't couples who are not emotionally ready for that kind of relationship not last long in one? I mean, maybe I'm underestimating the number of white women who have sex with black men because of the "big dick" myth or the number of black men who have sex with white women because of the "status" myth or whatever, but do these people just copulate and have mixed-up kids? What happens to these relationships? Do they last? Obviously, the stereotypes come from somewhere, but in order to have a long-term or lasting relationship, you have to have some things in common, don't you?

I understand that many black women are angry with us for "taking their men" or at black men for "abandoning the sisters," but explain this: (Warning, here comes naive white girl): even when you HAVE a man, you're angry (I address black women)...I mean do you think my man would make a good mate for your friend, sister, cousin, niece, etc? They probably wouldn't want him, anyway! What if one of your black friends dumped him and I got her leftovers? One woman's trash is another woman's treasure, and he's with me because he loves me (Lord knows he wouldn't have stayed so long if it was just sex!)

Why limit yourself to just one race? There are so many beautiful people out there, and you are depriving yourself of a very rich experience if you only date one type of people, be it black, white, hispanic, or whatever.

Why are you SO angry? Do you want to deprive US of happiness just because he has a little more melanin than I do? That's crazy!

25. britt, myths, and melanin
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 11:08 AM/EST
rain

Britt, darling. Relax, take a deep breath. It really is okay.

Of course we'll never know who started the 'male organ' myth, but surely no one still believes that size matters. It's almost laughable that that one is still being bandied about.

I don't know what experiences you and Ken have had with disapproving stares, comments, or whatever; but be assured that not all black women are angry that you're with a black man.

Addressing the anger. Am I angry? Yes, sometimes. I hope I can make this clear, because it's difficult to put into words. I'm speaking from personal experience, baring my soul as it were. Of the men I've dated, all black, three of them had previously dated across racial/cultural lines. Did that matter to me? No. What mattered was that they were available and we appeared (at first) to have things in common on which to base a relationship. Boy was I naive...but I digress.

I'm angry that those men were unfaithful, substance abusers (drugs/alcohol), needy, liars. They were (in varying combinations) all these things. I'm angry about that! I'm angry that I as a black woman, am 'expected' (yes EXPECTED) to endure with the patience of JOB all the sullen, moodiness and issues brought to bear because the 'brother' can't get a break. I'm angry because Karen put up with Bill. I'm angry because I put up with Bill (in other incarnations). I'm angry because my sisters, cousins, friends have their Bills. I'm angry that being educated, strong-willed, self-possessed, and solvent makes me either a target for these losers or undesirable.

26. britt, myths, and melanin (part 2)
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 11:16 AM/EST
rain

My post was too long (sorry), but I must continue.

I'm not currently dating, and I'm having the time of my life. I no longer have relationship anguish/anxiety. I can relax and enjoy myself. This time is precious to me. Maybe I'll date again someday, maybe not. If I do, his race isn't an issue for me. I don't know if it ever was. When I see couples who are enjoying being together and making it work, I'm happy for them. I realize that it's not always easy. No relationship is (at least none of mine has been). Having differences of religion, race, culture, etc shouldn't have to derail it. Saying no to a potentially rewarding relationship solely on the basis of pigment seems ridiculous to me.

I've enjoyed this time together, my friends. Thanks for sharing, and I'll miss you.

27. just something to say
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 3:16 PM/EST
ravenc1

Rain, i am single too and i don't know if i am having the time of my life but it is nice not to have to deal with the stress of having a man. That's sad right, i associate stress with having a man. Everything comes to an end and that's the part i can't stand. Whether it's me who wants to end the relationship or him. As far as dating out of my race, i have never done that nor do i plan on it. I definately wouldn't say i'm prejudice, i'm just not attracted to white men like that. I've seen cute white men but never have i been attracted to them. I must admit when i see a black and white couple together i do not feel totally comfortable with that but then really who the hell am i to feel comfortable or not with something that's none of my business. But it did make me realize that there must be something i fear about black and whites being a couple. That is one of the reasons i watched the ALS, to help me with actually seeing a mixed couple as two people in a relationship and not a black person and a white person in a relationship.

I think by watching the program it has helped me. It made me realize that they go through the same bullshit any other relationship goes through. Okay, i realized that your color does not define who you are. It's a part of who you are but does not define you. I already broke down to you'll what i feel is really being looked at, definately not what color you are. Since my little revelation i have not seen a mixed couple, so i guess the real test will come when i actually see a black man with a white female or vice versa. Hopefully everything i learned will stand true.

28. rain
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 3:27 PM/EST
britt

Rain, you are so cool!
I loved having you in the group :)

Well, I guess I was a little keyed up last night (too much sugar or something). I just get tired of being blamed for tearing apart the black community (and before anyone says they are not speaking directly to ME, let me say that since I am dating a black man, I do play a part in that; I am a contributing factor).

But if we have children, society will see them as black, so of course I want to ensure that they have the best environment possible, and I will do everything in my power to educate them (be they black OR white) about other cultures, and TRUE history. I will try not to let anyone tell them that they should be ashamed of who they are, because it was their ancestors' blood, sweat, and tears that made this country the thriving place that it is today!

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it all starts with education, in the home. If we as parents vow to teach our children the TRUTH and let them decide for themselves later on, this country might be different - better.

Always remember - hate is learned, not born.
Peace, everyone :)

29. To raven
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 7:13 PM/EST
britt

Well, dear, we could come visit you if you want...we need a vacation, anyway:)
Just kidding. I'm sure you'll be fine. You seem to be a very intelligent woman who is not afraid to think and fell what she wants, regardless of societal pressures. Good luck to you (and I'll keep forwarding those e-mails!)

32. response
Thu, Oct 7, 1999 - 6:42 PM/EST
bhjb

I can relate to both issues, that of being the product of an interracial relationship and being in one. To britt I say--you are on the right track, should you and ken ever decide to have children, nurture all of their heritages, your heart is definitely in the right place, you will surround yourself, as my parents did, with people who will help nurture your children. Chances are pretty good they will grow up fine--I did. I will post my email address if you ever want to hear of my experiences as a bi-racial child.

To rain--you put your finger right on it: you are currently single and having the time of your life. Prior to my meeting the man that would be my husband I spent four years not dating and loving it. Once I was ready, I attracted the kind of man that I did, irregardless of race. I think alot of women, black, white, etc. choose the type of partners they do given their current place in life. That's why for me the whole interracial relationship thing must be age related in some way. Email me sometime if the mood hits.

It's been great fun--keep it real! My husband and I are headed for the Nneena Freelon concert--for those of you who love jazz!!!

33. Thanks for Sharing
Thu, Oct 7, 1999 - 11:40 PM/EST
hill

I appreciate all of the input I have received on
this topic. I hope that sometime in the future we
will have the opportunity to share our ideas
again.